As a lifelong New Yorker, you become intimately acquainted with the subway system. I’ve seen a lot of stuff on the subway in my decades on these bits of rock that form my home. From graffiti, which I loved, to drug use, homelessness, and of course rats. But it’s not all bad. The subway is one of the most democratic places on the planet, all walks of humanity find themselves there. Plus, most cities charge train and subway rates according to how far you travel, and may stop after midnight. Not so with New York City Subway. You can ride from the top of The Bronx to the southernmost tip of Coney Island, Brooklyn or Far Rockaway, in Queens, for one flat rate, at 3AM no less…that’s pretty amazing! It will take you FOREVER, but you will get there…
One of the frustrating parts about riding the subway is when service is interrupted for maintenance. It’s understandable, literally millions of folks ride it, that’s a lot of wear and tear. But even further down the rabbit hole of frustration is when you’re forced to go backwards, get on a train that will then take you forward, most likely skipping your original station along the way. The feeling of resignation that takes over is so palpable you almost feel weak. We do it because we have little choice, and it usually works out in the end, we get to where we need to go.
My imagination has been an almost constant in my life, it fuels my desire to learn and create. I feel blessed to have such an active and productive mind, truly I do. When I try something new, I throw myself into it. I taught myself to weave on a portable frame loom, dye cloth, embroider, crochet, book bind, I’ve read books on greatly improving my visual drawing skills, how to use colored pencils, inks, pastels. I learned how to sew on a machine formally, and how to cut out a garment from a pattern, while in high school. But everything else was all me, pre-internet mind you. Just library books, plus Barnes and Noble!, and magazines. But some things are like acquaintances, while others are like beautiful romances that change you in ways that you only realize once they’re gone, or least away. When attempting that new thing, I’ll try to create a full collection: a certain number in my head, a full journal, go through every lesson in a book several times over, or a even a time frame. I do it to keep the wrinkles forming in my brain, very important, plus you never know when a skill will be needed. But there are those things that I always come back to, those things that make me feel fulfilled. I’ve been equating a sense of accomplishment with contentedness and actualization, but they’re separate things. I’ve felt a feeling of accomplishment at jobs I really didn’t like, but didn’t feel content. And this is where I’m at now, going back to move forward. There is that weak feeling that comes from knowing fulfillment has been there all along, but that crazy imagination can get the best at times…Is resignation a bad thing? Surrender has become something of a bad word in our world of FOMO, fear of missing out. It can be liberating, though, I think. Perhaps inspiration and resourcefulness can work against you, not allowing time to take its course. I remember one particularly hairy subway ride where I had to go so far back, and I had a dentist appointment, just to go forward that I really thought I wasn’t going to make it. The other passengers were losing their collective minds. In addition, the train was PACKED, and backed up, a deadly cocktail. But I was cool. A guy next to me commented on how calm I was. I told him that I had zero control over what was happening, that I’d surrendered to the situation, and losing my shit was not going to help at all. He just looked at me, and slowly nodded. He got it.
Just like we don’t always have control over who we love, we don’t always know what’s going to click or not, we don’t always know what that “thing” will be, I guess unless we try. But when you find it, FOMO can rears it’s head, whispering in your ear. And while my beautiful brain has, and continues, to serve me well, it’s time to rein it in. I do believe that this is something that many creatives experience. But it’s cool, it’s part of life and the learning process. Going back isn’t always a sign of defeat, just the cosmos’ way of letting you know that the road isn’t always straight, and maybe let go and have faith, you’ll get there.
By the way, I made it on time to my dentist appointment!
Thank you stopping by,
Jos