As a lifelong New Yorker, you become intimately acquainted with the subway system. I’ve seen a lot of stuff on the subway in my decades on these bits of rock that form my home. From graffiti, which I loved, to drug use, homelessness, and of course rats. But it’s not all bad. The subway is one of the most democratic places on the planet, all walks of humanity find themselves there. Plus, most cities charge train and subway rates according to how far you travel, and may stop after midnight. Not so with New York City Subway. You can ride from the top of The Bronx to the southernmost tip of Coney Island, Brooklyn or Far Rockaway, in Queens, for one flat rate, at 3AM no less…that’s pretty amazing! It will take you FOREVER, but you will get there…

One of the frustrating parts about riding the subway is when service is interrupted for maintenance. It’s understandable, literally millions of folks ride it, that’s a lot of wear and tear. But even further down the rabbit hole of frustration is when you’re forced to go backwards, get on a train that will then take you forward, most likely skipping your original station along the way. The feeling of resignation that takes over is so palpable you almost feel weak. We do it because we have little choice, and it usually works out in the end, we get to where we need to go.

My imagination has been an almost constant in my life, it fuels my desire to learn and create. I feel blessed to have such an active and productive mind, truly I do. When I try something new, I throw myself into it. I taught myself to weave on a portable frame loom, dye cloth, embroider, crochet, book bind, I’ve read books on greatly improving my visual drawing skills, how to use colored pencils, inks, pastels. I learned how to sew on a machine formally, and how to cut out a garment from a pattern, while in high school. But everything else was all me, pre-internet mind you. Just library books, plus Barnes and Noble!, and magazines. But some things are like acquaintances, while others are like beautiful romances that change you in ways that you only realize once they’re gone, or least away. When attempting that new thing, I’ll try to create a full collection: a certain number in my head, a full journal, go through every lesson in a book several times over, or a even a time frame. I do it to keep the wrinkles forming in my brain, very important, plus you never know when a skill will be needed. But there are those things that I always come back to, those things that make me feel fulfilled. I’ve been equating a sense of accomplishment with contentedness and actualization, but they’re separate things. I’ve felt a feeling of accomplishment at jobs I really didn’t like, but didn’t feel content. And this is where I’m at now, going back to move forward. There is that weak feeling that comes from knowing fulfillment has been there all along, but that crazy imagination can get the best at times…Is resignation a bad thing? Surrender has become something of a bad word in our world of FOMO, fear of missing out. It can be liberating, though, I think. Perhaps inspiration and resourcefulness can work against you, not allowing time to take its course. I remember one particularly hairy subway ride where I had to go so far back, and I had a dentist appointment, just to go forward that I really thought I wasn’t going to make it. The other passengers were losing their collective minds. In addition, the train was PACKED, and backed up, a deadly cocktail. But I was cool. A guy next to me commented on how calm I was. I told him that I had zero control over what was happening, that I’d surrendered to the situation, and losing my shit was not going to help at all. He just looked at me, and slowly nodded. He got it.

Just like we don’t always have control over who we love, we don’t always know what’s going to click or not, we don’t always know what that “thing” will be, I guess unless we try. But when you find it, FOMO can rears it’s head, whispering in your ear. And while my beautiful brain has, and continues, to serve me well, it’s time to rein it in. I do believe that this is something that many creatives experience. But it’s cool, it’s part of life and the learning process. Going back isn’t always a sign of defeat, just the cosmos’ way of letting you know that the road isn’t always straight, and maybe let go and have faith, you’ll get there.

By the way, I made it on time to my dentist appointment!

Thank you stopping by,

Jos

I always believe that giving credit where credit is due is not only important, but can be cathartic. I’m no contact with my mom now for many many reasons, but when the occasion calls for it, I do give her credit for the lessons and traditions that I find myself holding onto and practicing to this day. Throughout all the abuse and heartache, there were moments of light and lucidity.

I consider myself to be a life-long learner, and she had quite the assemblage of reading material, I mean sincerely a large collection of books and magazines, plus albums! She was a strong reader, and inspirited the same in me. I didn’t grow up with her during my formative years, I grew up with her sister, my aunt. I also have a younger sister by three years. I left my aunt’s home in one truly memorable and horrific evening, quite another story, to go live with my mom. Needless to say, I didn’t have a great feeling of belonging, I was already about 12 years old, so mom and sis felt like distant relatives. Books became lovely and sacred “friends” in my young life. Even now, like I’ve mentioned before, books and journals are my beautiful companions. And mom at the time was really into natural health and herbal remedies, I think a carryover from the 70’s, and Back to Eden played a major role in that journey.

To my 12 year old mind, I truly could not believe what I was reading: how food plays the biggest role in your overall health, the role of herbs in recovering from illnesses, and how the author, Jethro Kloss, made such an impression on the lives he touched. What was also so incredible was how I understood what I was reading, it was not above my mental pay grade. I really got it.

Another way I give her credit is her insistence on charity. In my younger years I went to private school, my sis and myself, and during the school year there wasn’t a big need for large wardrobes, we mostly just wore our uniforms. If we didn’t wear something for about 6 months to a year, we should think about giving it away. To this day, I try to donate my time and my stuff. She instilled that in me, and I see no need to let it go. But, you’re probably wondering why would I go no contact with someone where there would still be good enough memories and customs that persist to the present, and even to pass on. Well, life is complicated. It’s not neat and tidy. We humans have a great way to take what we need, and discard the rest. When she got angry with me and snatched Back to Eden out of my hands hard enough to scratch the skin off my hands, I didn’t blame the book, that was on her. When she was advocating for us to be charitable but all the while she herself was severe, unkind, and leaving me many times to support myself with my meager minimum wage earnings while still in school, I saw no reason to stop being charitable, I saw no reason to stop giving. Why did I have to support myself? Because when I graduated from school in 8th grade to start high school, that was the end of private school for me, but not for my sis. I’m not complaining, but as the literal adult in the room, she should have known that was going to create a bad feeling in the home. It took a long time, but I realized that it was her, not me.

Her collection of books and vintage magazines, which honestly I wish I had my hands on today, solidified the love I have for reading, for art, for the accomplishment of self-teaching, the value of starting and finishing a project, for the feeling of being content with my own company, for research, the list can go on really. Yes, I’m no contact, but I’m choosing to be honest, not just with the bad parts, but with the good also, I need that balance, I think we all do for perspective.

So when I’m discussing my past, and I realize that I’m doing something that I learned from my aunt or mom that was positive and it made me a better person, I honestly give credit. It’s just unfortunate that the very bad grossly outweighed the good.

Thanks for stopping by,

Jos

This is a topic that I think of often, and it brings me, in a roundabout way, to Jordan Peterson. If you’re not familiar with him, he’s a Canadian psychologist and YouTube sensation. At the moment he is in danger of losing his license, although I don’t think he’s been in private practice for some years now. The Canadian governing body feels he needs a “re-education” because of the things he tweets. That he needs an education in social media. I personally think this is ludicrous, but whatever. I’m not going to get into the notion of “re-education” because that’s a long discussion for another day. But I bring up Jordan Peterson because he’s part of a bigger dialog concerning a cohort of academics that were pushed out of their jobs at colleges and universities because of the turning tide surrounding the dialog around “social equity.” Heather Heying, Bret Weinstein, and James Lindsay are but some academics that have have to pivot because of the sharp changes surrounding social discourse on racial justice. They’ve had no choice but to change directions, but interestingly they chose social media.

Here is where I think it gets…weird. Don’t misunderstand me, we have to make a living, the bills need to get paid, but social media and its politics can be really awful. So, this is where it begs the big questions: what do you do when you’ve spent half your life, or more, studying and preparing in a field that you thought would support you, would never abandon you? What would you do if you had to leave that thing you sacrificed years for, leave through seemingly no fault of your own? How would you feel? Well, the academics mentioned made a hard pivot. But is social media the answer? Social media has shown to be a dirty game that takes no prisoners and I wonder if these academics have the heart and guts to play. They all have thriving followings on YouTube, Peterson alone into the millions. I don’t know any of these folks personally, and I didn’t know of them before their lives turned upside down and they came into the light following the series of events that were highly publicized. That they felt there was no choice but to turn to social media tells me how hard it is to pivot, start life anew, and make a living, even with their credentials. So, of course social media gives them a soft place to land…

Why do I question the decision to turn to social media? Social media can be extremely shameless and petty, and it takes a special type of person to be able to put their finger on the pulse of modern culture and, this is important, exploit it. Some are so good at reading the proverbial room of present-day society that it becomes something akin to a contact sport. These academics seem like a good group overall, but like many lives that revolve around social media, it changes you, and not for the better. They’ve seemed to go down quite a bit of rabbit holes of questionable thoughts and theories. Perhaps some tweet a little to much, maybe some give advice beyond their purview. I’m acutely aware of their education, but honestly we all have lanes, and sometimes it’s best to stick within them. Sadly, social media makes an authority out of everyone, especially when they’re not…

Overall, this kinda brings me down. Their reputations seemed to have been excellent in their former lives. But social media can taint, muck up, and force you to swim in an apparent shit pit to survive. Obviously, they haven’t lost their luster to the many that follow and believe in them, but really, what does it say about a society that allows our biggest brains to feel the need to turn to a system that has arguably hurt more than it has helped? And in time, what is it going to say about them? How will they fare? Of course, time will tell, but I can’t be the only one to see the pitfalls of their new direction…